by Fred Moleck
Euphemism - Part 2
It runs in my mind that not too long ago I read in an issue of Modern Liturgy Elaine Rendler’s list of some euphemisms. A Google run on “euphemism” indicated several sites. None, however, dealt with music ministry.
Last week I suggested seven euphemisms that I thought were relevant to our business. For example:
When the cantor for the 10:00 AM Mass doesn’t show—the euphemism is “Diva Delay” or “Divo Delay.”I issued a call to anyone who would offer further suggestions. The prize (a figure of speech; there was no prize) for high originality goes to David Ash. David is the Pastoral Assistant for Liturgy and Music at St. Anthony Parish in Renton, Washington—the great Northwest.
If this list is any indication of the condition of his mind, he is a likely candidate of possessing a “naturally curly mind,” not too dissimilar from the writer of TableTalk. David does not want for originality.
Here are seven from his list:
When the choir can’t slow down to observe a final ritard of an anthem, eliminating the possibility of really milking the finale,
the euphemism is: lactose intolerance
When the song leader/cantor thinks the Mass revolves around her or him,
the euphemism is: cantor of the universe
When the presider begins Mass with an extended greeting way beyond “In the name of the Father . . . ,”
the euphemism is: Pater Patter
For the sacristy cupboard where the chalices, ciboria, patens, and purificators are kept,
the euphemism is: Paten Place.
When the presider stands up way to soon and skips the entire second reading,
the euphemism is: down pericope!
When the presider thinks the Mass revolves around him,
the euphemism is: altar ego
When the male lector’s voice can project across any size nave without using any microphone,
the euphemism is: Ambo RamboAn anonymous reader from Illinois suggested:
When the bride inadvertently rips her veil from the rest of her dress,Euphemisms are like puns: the worse they are, the better they are. For hundreds of years both have been the playground for littérateurs and folks like us.
the euphemism is: prenuptial disfigurement
When the wedding processional is the same for the attendants as well as the bride,
the euphemism is: Trumpet Tunus non interruptus
A different bend of mind is essential in creating such word play. Again, David Ash wins if there were a contest of having such a bend of mind. His final suggestion:
When you’ve heard enough of these euphemisms and want someone to put you out of your misery,
the euphemism is: euphemasia.
You can reach Fred Moleck via email at fmoleck@earthlink.net