by Fred Moleck
Euphemism
A friend has a small objet d’art hanging in her bathroom. It bears one word, EUPHEMISM. She explains that it sums up all the names given to her bathroom by friends who visit.
When necessary, they asked for the whereabouts of the "little boys/girls room" or "facility" or "bathroom" or "cabinetto."
In order to put at ease all inquirers, she settled on the inclusive word "euphemism." It would be hard to be offended by the word.
I thought of her and her little sign last week when I saw a morning news program, which featured an interview with two women with their two infants.
They were proponents of getting the child on the potty right away.
They maintained that the child and his or her mother can communicate when it becomes necessary to use the potty. The term is called “elimination communication.”
Aha! Here's a new euphemism to express language that could be offensive or inappropriate to somebody, somewhere, sometime.
Euphemisms are everywhere. They are used as substitutes for profanity, for death, for religious expressions, and the like.
You know: "aw, shucks," "went to a better place," "jeez-oh-whiz."
So far, I’ve not discovered anything for church musical experiences that when named can be problematic.
Here are some examples with a euphemism I suggest.
When the conductor launches a hissy fit complete with screaming and threats,the euphemism: overreactive conductor activity
When a stubborn organ cipher refuses to budge, no matter how much tapping is applied, it might be necessary to pull the pipe out,
the euphemism: pre-pipal extraction
When this happens at St. Peter's Basilica in Rome,
the euphemism: pre–papal-pipal extraction
When the 10:00 AM cantor doesn't show,
the euphemism: diva delay or divo delay
When the congregation refuses to open its collective mouth in a new hymn,the euphemism: voluntary vocal boycott
When the choral ensemble sings forte Gregorian chant with serious pitch problems and no sense of binary and ternary groupings,
the euphemism: chewing on Gregorian glass
Mass of Creation sung poorly, causing the assembly to wish the singers be sent to a warmer place,
the euphemism: Mass of Cremation
Folks leaving Mass early during the final hymn,
the euphemism: taking the dismissal seriously
There you have eight ideas. What ones can you think of? Please respond to my e-mail address: fmoleck@earthlink.net.
You can reach Fred Moleck via email at fmoleck@earthlink.net