by Fred Moleck
Liturgical Jammers
The liturgical chat lines have been buzzing the past couple of weeks with the story about a church in Monterrey, Mexico, that installed a technological dream come true which prevents cell phones from ringing during Mass.
The equipment basically blocks in-coming calls at designated times in the church. No phone can ring. Supposedly, its 95% effective.
The report also states that the church has been getting calls from other churches to see how they can have the system installed in their worship spaces.
Imagine. No more beeping versions of Beethoven’s “Fur Elise” during the homily. No more William Tell Overture finales signaling the Great Amen. No cascading major triads to announce Communion.
The Tel-Aviv firm that developed this system could very well be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. Finally, peace returns to liturgical celebration.
Blessed are those whose phones are jammed, for they no longer will receive the curses of their neighbors.
The down side is that this system would also block incoming calls to doctors or any other individuals who must remain in touch no matter what.
OK . . . so there are few wrinkles that need to be ironed out. But, what a possibility.
This new breakthrough could precipitate some other devices whose effect would be to maintain the peace in a liturgy.
One comes to mind.
How about a type of gel that exudes a soothing vapor which would prevent a coughing fit—the other big liturgical noisemaker.
It could be packaged in a lipstick or Chap Stick–like dispenser that is discretely rubbed under the nostrils, permitting the vapor to be inhaled and distributed to the agitated membranes of the nose and throat.
It could be called Coff-Nomore.
The same device could be given a different chemical compound whose vapors would induce almost immediate unconsciousness.
It would be a gentle type of unconsciousness, lasting about twenty minutes with no lasting effects. The eyes would remain partially open creating the illusion of some type of prayer trance.
It would be valuable to escape a particularly tedious sermon on Mother’s Day, which inevitably begins, “What is a mother?”
A children’s size would be available to apply to a small child who begins to wail incessantly. A small touch, and the child dozes off for a good twenty minutes.
The product could be called Lulla-Balm.
I feel a yawn coming on.
You can reach Fred Moleck via email at fmoleck@earthlink.net